Thank God for God!

Thank God I have God.  Without him, I am not sure where I would find the hope and the peace in my current situation.  I am writing for my own sake because it is said to be therapeutic.  If you would like to join me, I welcome your company with open arms.  I am letting God lead me one day at a time.  And He has placed it on my heart to share what He is doing in my spirit through physical pain.

I have been struggling with painful symptoms possibly associated with rheumatoid arthritis for over a year now.  I say possibly because my blood work came back normal.  I'm told that often happens in the early stages.  But I remain hopeful!  Prior to this, I was a healthy 35 year old that did her best to eat well and exercise.  My rheumatologist said my symptoms are "classic" RA symptoms (painful, swollen joints on both hands, pain in both feet, pain was alleviated during my recent pregnancy, and my joints are most painful in the morning).  So one might say if it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, and looks like a duck, it must be a duck.  But I'm not quacking just yet.  I'm still trying to figure out if I'm in denial or just not at peace with the diagnosis.  Another blogger said you never really accept that you have RA, you just learn to live with it.  That thought often runs through my head.  I feel I need to continuing exploring and experimenting in an attempt to discover how my condition came about.  I am not satisfied with all of the literature that says no ones knows for sure what causes RA and there isn't a cure.  When I asked my rheumatologist what the other possibilities were he paused and said he didn't know.  He proceeded to tell me that people aren't ending up in wheelchairs like they were in the 80's and drugs (potent drugs, mind you) can help alleviate a lot of the pain.  He also picked up a skeletal model of a hand and demonstrated how the joints can become deformed.  I felt like I was in a bad movie.  He then sent me on my way with generic handouts about RA and the drug that he thought would be the least dangerous for me to take since I am breastfeeding. I had to use the restroom before I left the office and there was a folded up wheelchair against the wall.  It was too much.  Needless to say, I cried on the way home from my appointment and I scoured the internet that evening for more information. That was July 27 of this year.   In retrospect, I can't believe the Dr. bombarded me with the idea that I had RA at my first appointment.  The weeks that followed were confusing and frightening.  It was hard not to think about what could happen to my body.   It was hard not to be upset and emotional at times about the fact that my body was turning on itself.  I take care of myself physically and I became angry.  I soon entered the infamous--how could this be happening to me phase.               


Since that day, God has listened to me cry, He has listened to me complain and He has continued to show me how much He loves me.  It has taken me this long, but I thank God for my pain. I don't need to know why I am in pain.  I need to praise Him and trust that this is under His command.  I will no longer allow Satan to gloat over the fact that I am in pain, that I am limited in what I can do, and that I am struggling for answers in search of the cause.  To God be the GLORY!